When Dark Lords Chat
by Mistress of the Dungeon
Summary: Chapter 4 is up. What happens when a few really bad guys meet for regular online chats? Just a silly little Harry Potter, StarWars, Lord of the Rings crossover. Was originally meant to be a oneshot but the plot what plot? bunny kept nagging me.
1. Chapter 1

**When Dark Lords Chat**  
by Mistress of the Dungeon

What if ... a few really bad guys meet for regular online chats?

Chapter 1

AOL Instant Messanger  
The following friends are online

tomboy  
ani-the-sith  
evileye

_ani-the-sith:_ Hey folks, how's everything?

_tomboy:_ Oh don't ask, man. Haven't got my body back yet

_evileye:_ Neither do I. But what about you, hm? Everything fine in the Empire, Vader?

_ani-the-sith:_ Splendid, I tell you. Guess what, yesterday I found out, that I have a son, isn't that great?

_tomboy: _Whew man! A son, hm? You never told us that you were "seeing" somebody, old wanker! Shame on you for not sharing the juicy details.

_evileye: _Hear hear! You could have had some mercy with your disembodied friends.

_ani-the-sith: _Folks, calm down! My boy's already grown up, you know. The lady never told me ... oh well, we didn't get along too well. She was a politician, you know, a real pain in the behind. And I guess the boys taking after her. He's quite stubborn I must say. Going on and on about fighting for the light and that I'm not really evil and it's all about love and stuff. I'm pissed, I tell you.

_tomboy: _Hey, you could always send him over here. I'll put him in my training camp for aspiring Death Eaters, showing him a few basic torture techniques and other fun stuff, how's that sound, hm?

_evileye: _Or how about an internship with Saruman? He'll like that, I promise you. He could oversee a orc production line perhaps, learn some swordplay ...

_ani-the-sith:_ Oh he knows swordplay alright. Nearly chopped my head off the other day ... and he's also achieved some basic skills mastering the force, that should interest you, Voldy, hm?

_tomboy: _Force - that's rubbish! Nothing more than I little wandless magic, I say.

_evileye:_ Hey, guys, cool down, doesn't really matter how we call it, do we? Let's get down to business, shall we? Tom, I've got a serious problem here with Gandalf, the old geezer. He's gone completely mental, instigating those blasted hobbits against me. Can't you convince his brother to talk some sense into the man?

_tomboy: _Ask someone else, man! I haven't been on talking terms with Dumbledore ever since my schooldays. He's basically the same, constantly babbling about the dangers of dark magic and how to destroy me. I tell you, it's in the family. I haven't got the slightest idea what to do about it. Any suggestions, ani?

_ani-the-sith: _Oh, like I would know. I've got my hands full with those blasted Jedis over here. I'm so sick and tired of this stuff. Why can't they all just leave an honest evil man bloody well alone, I ask you?

_evileye: _Man, I hear you! These people have no idea how it feels to just hover over this effing mountain day in day out. And it's not even in a nice neighbourhood. I only wish I had my body back, I'd be off to some nice little tropical island first thing, I tell you!

_tomboy:_ Tropical island? Sounds good to me. Mind if I join you, Saury?

_evileye:_ Anytime, Voldy.

_ani-the-sith:_ Hey, you wouldn't leave me behind, would you? Let's make some plans to get you guys back into your bods and let's haul ass! Sorry folks, gotta go now. We had a server problem on my new Death-Star and I gotta choke a few of my minions. Meet you next week, folks. Same time, same place?

_evileye: _Bye, ani. Bring some pictures of your youngster next week, will you?

_tomboy:_ And think about our suggestions? What you told us, the boy would really make a fine Death Eater. And old Albus would be soooo pissed ... alright then, take care guys, I'm off.

"Wormtail, I'm done here. Shut down the bloody laptop!"- "As you wish, my lord" - "And mail a copy of the Terms of Admission for the Death Eater camp to d.vader(at)death-star.empire.universe(dot)net. I think we'll have a new applicant pretty soon."

TBC

**AN: **I know, I know, that really sucks ... I'm supposed to be working right now and I just couldn't get this silly idea out of my head. So here's my procrastination masterpiece!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**AN:** I got some very nice and encouraging reviews, thank you everybody. Obviously my idea wasn't too bad after all. You really inspired me take this a little bit further.

FYI: I am using (at) and (dot) in e-mail addresses, as these will not show up properly at ffnet otherwise.

-----

From: luscious-lucius(at)malfoymanor(dot)uk  
To: skywalker(at)rebelbase.universe(dot)net  
CC: voldemort(at)deatheaters-inc(dot)uk  
BCC: d.vader(at)death-star.empire.universe(dot)net

Subject: assessment questionnaire

Mr. Skywalker,

It has been brought to our attention that you are interested becoming a Death Eater trainee. In order to consider your application it is required that you fill out the enclosed questionnaire. Please make sure that you answer all questions truthfully and in your best conscience.

Your reply will be expected by return of post. The Terms of Admission for the Death Eater Training Camp have already been sent to your father and should have been forwarded to you by now. Please make sure that you also sign the form of acceptance of all terms and conditions.

Yours respectfully,  
Lucius A. Malfoy  
Vice President  
Training and Education  
Death Eaters Ltd.  
26-30 Raven Road, London, Westminster  
U.K.

-----

From skywalker(at)rebelbase.universe(dot)net  
To: luscious-lucius(at)malfoymanor(dot)uk

Subject: RE: assessment questionnaire

Dear Mr. Malfoy,

Please find enclosed the filled out questionnaire. Be informed that I am presently not on speaking terms with Anakin Skywalker, these days known as Darth Vader who accidentally happens to be my father. Thus, I have up to now not been informed on my "application" to your little club, or whatever it is.

However, the questionnaire sounded really intriguing, covering a lot of subjects I am greatly interested in.

Up to now, I never yet practised any of the Dark Arts you described, but I am greatly interested in learning those skills you mention. Even though I haven't got the slightest idea what you mean with "torture, rape or similar leisure activities". I am spending most of my free time with two close friends, or, at least, I used to. Most recently they don't like me around too much as they seem to be involved in activities where a third person is quite superfluous. This leaves me pretty bored so I think that your little training camp will be a nice distraction.

Please let me know, if you have any additional questions, I'll be happy to answer them any time.

Kind regards,  
Luke Skywalker  
Deputy Commander-in-Chief  
Rebel Alliance  
Location Undisclosed

PS: Please note that I will not be available for training activities from September 27 to October 30 as we have scheduled our next strike against the Empire then.

PPS: Sorry to ask, but I'm just too curious: Does your e-mail address have anything to do with your outer appearance or your performance in - well - you know? If yes, could you send me a picture of you some time soon? I include one of myself here, just FYI. (I'm the guy on the left; the big hairy one is a friend of mine).

-----

From: l.malfoy(at)deatheaters-inc(dot)uk  
To: skywalker(at)rebelbase.universe(dot)net

Subject: RE: RE: assessment questionnaire

Mr. Skywalker,

Please refer all further business correspondence to the above e-mail address.

Yours respectfully  
Lucius A. Malfoy  
Vice President  
Training and Education  
Death Eaters Ltd.  
26-30 Raven Road, London, Westminster  
U.K.

-----

From: luscious-lucius(at)malfoymanor(dot)uk  
To: skywalker(at)rebelbase.universe(dot)net

Dear Luke,

Sorry for the mix-up with e-mail addresses in my first message. I have a home office, you know, and sometimes I just forget to switch accounts. My boss gave me hell about that one, I tell you!

Thank you so much for the nice picture you sent me yesterday. I must say, you're quite good looking considering you ancestry. Who would have guessed that Old Metal Head produced such gorgeous offspring!

I am quite confident that you will be accepted to our training camp smoothly (as I am in charge of admissions, I'll see to that personally ;-) ) and I am looking forward (a lot!) to meeting you really soon.

Kind regards,  
Lucius

PS: Enclosed please find a picture of myself. It was one of a series taken for "Playwitch" two years ago. I was elected Dark Wizard of the Month, back then. I can't wait to show you the complete set when we meet personally.

-----

From: skywalker(at)rebelbase.universe(dot)net  
To: d.vader(at)death-star.empire.universe(dot)net

Subject: Please read before deleting.

Dad,

I know that, officially, we're not talking but I still wanted to let you know that I have been legitimately accepted to Lord Voldemort's Death Eather Training Camp and I will start my education on November 1st.

Even though I was very angry with you for submitting an application without my knowledge and consent, I am now quite happy with the outcome of the whole thing.

Lucius, Mr. Malfoy that is, who is in charge of Training and Education sent me the curriculum yesterday and it looks very promising. I'm really excited and only wish that I could get there earlier. But, as you know, we have this blasted battle scheduled for October, so I can't possibly make it any sooner.

Anyhow, I think I am going to make some real friends at the camp and I want to thank you for your efforts concerning my career. It's nice to know, that someone cares.

Love, Luke

-----

From: skywalker(at)rebelbase.universe(dot)net  
To: d.vader(at)death-star.empire.universe(dot)net

Subject: Oops

Um, Dad, you DID know about the battle in October, didn't you? If not, please don't tell anybody that you heard it from me, alright?

Pls. confirm.  
Love, Luke

TBC (probably ;-) )


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

AN: I know, that it's not possible to answer simultaneously in an online chat, but as the whole thing is not possible anyway, I took this artistic liberty in order to achieve dramatic effects.

-----

AOL Instant Messenger

The following friends are online:

ani-the-sith  
evileye  
tomboy

_evileye:_ Hi everybody! How are things?

_ani-the-sith_: Hi, Ron!

_evileye_:VADER! I told you time and time again NOT TO CALL ME RON! My name is SAURON, got it? If you need to use a nick, it's Saury, if you please.

_ani-the-sith_: Oh, come on! I was just teasing …

_tomboy:_ Nice to see that everyone's happy around here. Hello everybody and good day to you, too. BTW Ani, your boy arrived here the other week. As I am told he is quite good at summoning and hovering charms and I have also been informed that he is "incredibly good with his wand". Whatever that's supposed to mean, he doesn't even have a wand up to now as far as I know.

_evileye:_ So, Vader, the internship with Saruman is off, then? It's all the same to me, you know. Saruman really has a lot of work right now, so perhaps its all the better if he doesn't have a stupid little dunderhead running around.

_tomboy_: Now, where have I heard that expression before … beats me, but it DOES sound familiar …

_ani-the-sith_: Saury, I just got a mail from the boy yesterday and he's enjoying the training camp immensely, but I would still consider an internship when he's finished at the camp. He really needs all the support he can get, I tell you, he's still so anal about the whole good guy – bad guy thing.

_evileye:_ We'll then, I'll hold the position for him. Voldy, I wanted to ask you whether you heard anything about Gandalf? My spy informed me that he has disappeared about a week ago to "meet old relatives". My guess is, he's visiting his brother at that blasted school of yours.

_tomboy:_ Oh, that explains a lot. MY spy informed me …

_ani-the-sith_: Hey, why do you have spies and I don't?

_evileye / tomboy_ (simultaneously): Because you have a body and we don't.

_tomboy:_ So, back to business. My spy informed me that Dumbledore has a visitor and that they spend hours and hours in the Room of Requirement. He hasn't been able to find out, what they're doing in there until now, but I'll keep you updated.

AOL Instant Messenger:  
The following friend has logged on:

furryfeet

_furryfeet:_ Hi friends, it's me, Frodo!

_evileye / tomboy / ani-the-sith_ (simultaneously): Sod off!

_furryfeet_: Oops, sorry folks. Isn't it the chat of the Saviours of the World today?

_tomboy:_ Nah, Tuesdays it's the Dark Lords. SotW are on Thursdays.

_furryfeet:_ Ah well, no offence meant. See you, gentlemen.

_evileye:_ Not if I can avoid it! Oh, as long as you're there: GIVE ME BACK MY RING, YOU HAIRY LITTLE LOUSE!

AOL Instant Messenger:

furryfeet has logged off

_evileye_: Damn, I guess he didn't get that anymore, did he?

_tomboy:_ Don't think so.

_evileye_: There goes another opportunity to get a decent body PDQ. Well, anyhow, gotta run! There's a load of new Orcs arriving today and somebody's gotta teach them some manners. Ani, Voldy, take care!

_ani-the-sith_: Bye, Saury. Give Saruman my regards. I'll mail him as soon as Luke's ready for the internship. Tom, if you meet Luke, please tell him to mail me. I'm off as well, see you next week.

_tomboy:_ Take care, guys. BTW: I'm not sure if I can make it next week. Got a Death Eater meeting scheduled for Tuesday night, so if I'm not here, have some fun without me.

----

TBC  
I can't really stop here, can I?


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:**  
Thanks everybody for the encouraging reviews and sorry for taking so long for the next piece. I came down with the flu and it put quite a damper on my creativity. And, alas, I'm supposed to actually work for my money in real life, which also tends to get in the way.

So, here's a chappie for you, Phantom'sJediBandieGirl – enter the heroes.

-----

**Chapter 4**

Someday later, in the Restaurant at the End of the Universe

"Good evening, Gentlemen. Do you have a reservation?"

"Yes, I sent you an owl earlier this week, A table for three. The name is Potter."

"Ah yes, here it is. Mr. Potter and the other gentlemen, please follow me. Oh, by the way, Sir, please note for future reference, that we normally don't accept owls als mail carriers here. It's a little hard for the poor things to fly through space and time, you know."

The waiter leads the three guests to a table, they order drinks and hence the meeting begins:

_Frodo:_  
Um, no offense guys, but could we choose some place which is not quite so far away next time?

_Harry:_  
Far away? What do you mean? I apparated to the lobby in no time ...

_Luke:_  
Yeah, just 30 minutes in my X-Wing

_Frodo:_  
Ah, well ... I needed two months to walk here.

_Harry/Luke:_  
YOU WALKED?

_Frodo:_  
Why yes. That's the way Hobbits move around.

_Luke:_  
Oh my! Why didn't you said anything, I could easily have picked you up. Hey, don't worry about walking back home later, ok? I'll give you a ride.

_Frodo:_  
Wow, thanks! That's really cool.

_Harry (standing up):_  
Ahem, so gentlemen, let's get to the point. Tonight, the Saviours of the World finally meet in person and I am very happy about that. I suggest that we start our meeting with everybody introducing himself and giving an impression of his expectations of the cooperation. If it's o.k. for you, I'll just start right away.

I'm Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, and I'm a seventh-year student at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Everybody expects me to finish off the bad Lord Voldemort as soon as possible, while everything I really want to do is to finally get my self a girlfriend and do some serious bedroom workouts. I'm somewhat tired about this whole good-guy-bad-guy thing and I really don't want to finish off anybody, but I'll do it if people will leave me finally alone afterwards. My expectations for tonight is that perhaps we can find some shortcut out of this whole mess and maybe work out some plot to get rid of the Dark Lords altogether. Frodo, next?

_Frodo:_  
Yeah, well, hi, folks. I'm Frodo Baggins and I'm a Hobbit. I grew up in Middleearth and my uncle Bilbo gave me a ring as a birthday present. Later it turns out, that this ring is somehow magic and has great power and our resident Middleearth bad guy, Sauron, wants to have it. Great! And even better: I'm supposed to BRING it to him and destroy it right under his nose!

In the middle of this whole mess I met the most attractive, desirable and sexy guy of Middleearth – long blond hair, piercing blue eyes and a nice butt _(sighs)_ and it turns out that he's involved with a dwarf, imagine! So I'm supposed to do the dirty work while everybody else is having fun. I'm rather pissed off and I really don't feel like doing it, but I'll do it anyway, because Gandalf, the meddlesome old geezer will be making my life hell otherwise. My expectation for our meeting is basically the same as Harry's: I'm sick and tired of being the good guy and I want to get this over with.

_Luke:_  
Well, that leaves only me, hm? I'm Luke Skywalker and I grew up in … oh, bugger this, you really don't want to know THAT. I met a guy who said he is a knight and took me on a mission to save a beautiful princess. Now that did sound like a great adventure, I was bored beyond belief anyway and the chick was a real looker, so I went with him. In the end it turns out that the bad guy who held her hostage is my Dad and the princess is my sister, how gross is that? So I'm supposed to save the universe by killing my Dad and I don't even get to shag the beautiful princess? I'm fed up with all this stuff and so I agree with you here: let's save the damned universe today and then we can all go and get a life.

_Affirmative mutters._

_Frodo:_  
So, has anybody any ideas?

_Harry:_  
Well, um, no, not really. Perhaps if we just could get them all together in one room …

_Luke:_  
Hey, but aren't two of the lads disembodied? I mean, my Dads not in mint condition, but at least he's got a body, so we could off him … but, well, you know, I don't really want to. He's not that bad, really, once you get to know him better … I've invited him to my Death Eater initiation party next week.

_Frodo:_  
Initiation party? Hey, are we invited too, Luke? Can I bring some friends?

_Luke:_  
Sure Frodo! You as well, of course, Harry. It's going to be fun! Luci's got it all planned, lots of drinks, lots of girls and lots of… um, well … I couldn't talk him out of the torture thing yet, but I keep on trying …

_Harry:_  
Oh, man, it really sounds good. I'll tell Dumbledore I'm going to spy for the Order, I bet he'll allow me to go.

_Luke:_  
Doesn't Dumbledore have another spy? Luci told me something about …

_Harry:_  
Luke! You're not inviting Snape to a PARTY, are you? Honestly, the man is no fun. He'll ruin the whole evening with his foul mood.

_Luke:_  
Ahm, well, I don't think we can do without him, you know. Everybody thinks he's a big bad Death Eater, so he absolutely has to come. Besides, Luci's got him to brew tons of Hangover Potion, so he will be quite useful.

_Frodo (hopping up and down in his seat):_  
Hey, guys! I have an idea. I mean if this party is going to be the big fun thing, couldn't we just … um …. Sort of TALK to the Dark Lords and, well, you know, perhaps have a drink or two and talk things over?

_Harry/Luke:_  
TALK? Are you mental, Hobbit?

_Frodo:_  
Hey, cool down! I think it's worth a try, hm?

_Harry:_  
Alright, but you'll do the talking, man.

_Luke:_  
Right. I'll get Luci to invite the other two Dark Lords as well, I'm sure he'll find a way for them to participate, even without their bodies. He's so talented with these things, you know _(sighs)_.

_Frodo:_  
Alright, I'll handle it. So, as nobody seems to have a better idea, can we get to the fun part now? I heard that they serve great drinks here. They have this little book in the lobby, called the "_Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy_". Here it says that "_the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. It says that the effect of a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick._" I'd really like to try that one. What about you guys?

_Luke:_  
Yeah, sure!

_Harry:_  
Let's get plastered!

_Frodo:_  
Waiter!

-----

**A/N**  
And so the story (wow, it actually developed into a story!) slowly moves towards it's culmination: Lukes Death Eater initiation party. I'm not sure what will come out of it, I'll probably be as surprised as you are. Stay tuned. ;-)


End file.
